A New Year's A'Comin'!!!
I'm finally over my pity-party, thank goodness! I have a really great life and great kids and am even glad the sec reminded me how pathetic it is to be a whiny bitch yesterday because it gave me a kick in the rear that I needed to get my chin back up and get over myself. I realize now that it's ok to cry when I need to and I'm kinda excited about some new things I'm discovering already.
I was out hunting on Christmas eve, sitting there in the woods trying to hold it all in, knowing she was leaving in a mere few hours, but it had just stopped raining and the pine trees nearby really smelled GOOD! This is the only time of year we see cardinals, and one landed nearby and I watched him for a while. Beautiful. I was sitting in the same spot the first morning after my daughter left. I had an amazing moment as I realized that the sun was actually coming up even though she was gone. It was weird, sitting there watching the sunrise. But I did it and at that moment I knew life would go on.
Last night I walked outside and am not really sure why I went out there. The wind had been blowing for about 5 days, and even though it's been near 80 degrees, almost all of the leaves are down off the trees now. I looked over towards where Ms.TurningBlueNow always ran. She'd worn a trail from the many hours she spent running and jogging and getting in shape to go. The trail is covered now, totally obscured by leaves as if it were never there. For a moment, I wanted to run down that path and yell, "No no no!" and kick those leaves off so I could see the dirt where her feet had been. But I just sniffled and went back inside. A few minutes later, I stopped and looked at the fridge. For years I've kept the front of it covered with dozens of pictures of nieces and nephews put up haphazardly with magnets. But not now. In a burst of nervous energy a few days ago, Ms.TurningBlueNow took down all the pictures and put them back on perfectly square and tidy in neat little rows all semetrical and shit. I don't know if she knew it or not but she's still with me every time I open that refrigerator. It's wonderful.
So last night Lil'DD and I tackled moving her room and hoisting the beds back into bunkbeds and putting on brand new bedspreads to make the room start to feel like her own room for the first time in her life. She had told me, "Mom, I know you're tired, we can do it some other time if you want..." Have I told you what great kids I have?? We went in and tackled that room and it was fun. DS even came in and helped us lift the box springs up on the top bunk so we didn't have to do it.
I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but things are a happening with DS also. It looks like in early April he will be sworn in as Mr.SoonToBeBlue but he will have a year to wait until he leaves... (thank goodness!)
AND... I decided several days ago that I'm going to try another semester of college. It was the right decision to drop out when I got so far behind after Katrina, and I am really enjoying life without the added stress but I'm gonna give it one more try and if the stress gets too bad I'm just going to take a year off before attempting classes again...
It's going to be tough going for a while, but I am so proud of my daughter. I know she is going to be going through so much emotionally and physically the next few weeks, and as her mother, it weighs heavy on my heart. At the same time, as her mother, I know that this is going to be the best thing for her because she's going to be a really strong woman because of it. She's going to have some pretty damn good opportunities as a result of it too. So I'm going to be happy and excited for her. Because come on, it's not like she's on death row and I'm never going to get to hug her again right? In fact, 7 weeks from today (unless she gets hurt or sick and is recycled back a couple of extra weeks) I will be hugging her and awaiting the next day to watch her cross over into the blue.
Thanks for bearing with me right now while I'm having some teary moments. There are times when I'm just freaking peachy about it all but right now, this very minute, I am very, very okay.
NOTE TO IDGIE: Don't go past this point. I accidently got part of my rifle in the pictures and I don't want to upset you!!!
Ok. This is the picture I took for you guys on Christmas eve right after it rained. It was beautiful. A different part of the woods than in the other picture I posted for you.
This is the picture that I took the first morning she was gone. The trees were still there. The sun still came up. And life went on!
I was out hunting on Christmas eve, sitting there in the woods trying to hold it all in, knowing she was leaving in a mere few hours, but it had just stopped raining and the pine trees nearby really smelled GOOD! This is the only time of year we see cardinals, and one landed nearby and I watched him for a while. Beautiful. I was sitting in the same spot the first morning after my daughter left. I had an amazing moment as I realized that the sun was actually coming up even though she was gone. It was weird, sitting there watching the sunrise. But I did it and at that moment I knew life would go on.
Last night I walked outside and am not really sure why I went out there. The wind had been blowing for about 5 days, and even though it's been near 80 degrees, almost all of the leaves are down off the trees now. I looked over towards where Ms.TurningBlueNow always ran. She'd worn a trail from the many hours she spent running and jogging and getting in shape to go. The trail is covered now, totally obscured by leaves as if it were never there. For a moment, I wanted to run down that path and yell, "No no no!" and kick those leaves off so I could see the dirt where her feet had been. But I just sniffled and went back inside. A few minutes later, I stopped and looked at the fridge. For years I've kept the front of it covered with dozens of pictures of nieces and nephews put up haphazardly with magnets. But not now. In a burst of nervous energy a few days ago, Ms.TurningBlueNow took down all the pictures and put them back on perfectly square and tidy in neat little rows all semetrical and shit. I don't know if she knew it or not but she's still with me every time I open that refrigerator. It's wonderful.
So last night Lil'DD and I tackled moving her room and hoisting the beds back into bunkbeds and putting on brand new bedspreads to make the room start to feel like her own room for the first time in her life. She had told me, "Mom, I know you're tired, we can do it some other time if you want..." Have I told you what great kids I have?? We went in and tackled that room and it was fun. DS even came in and helped us lift the box springs up on the top bunk so we didn't have to do it.
I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but things are a happening with DS also. It looks like in early April he will be sworn in as Mr.SoonToBeBlue but he will have a year to wait until he leaves... (thank goodness!)
AND... I decided several days ago that I'm going to try another semester of college. It was the right decision to drop out when I got so far behind after Katrina, and I am really enjoying life without the added stress but I'm gonna give it one more try and if the stress gets too bad I'm just going to take a year off before attempting classes again...
It's going to be tough going for a while, but I am so proud of my daughter. I know she is going to be going through so much emotionally and physically the next few weeks, and as her mother, it weighs heavy on my heart. At the same time, as her mother, I know that this is going to be the best thing for her because she's going to be a really strong woman because of it. She's going to have some pretty damn good opportunities as a result of it too. So I'm going to be happy and excited for her. Because come on, it's not like she's on death row and I'm never going to get to hug her again right? In fact, 7 weeks from today (unless she gets hurt or sick and is recycled back a couple of extra weeks) I will be hugging her and awaiting the next day to watch her cross over into the blue.
Thanks for bearing with me right now while I'm having some teary moments. There are times when I'm just freaking peachy about it all but right now, this very minute, I am very, very okay.
NOTE TO IDGIE: Don't go past this point. I accidently got part of my rifle in the pictures and I don't want to upset you!!!
Ok. This is the picture I took for you guys on Christmas eve right after it rained. It was beautiful. A different part of the woods than in the other picture I posted for you.
This is the picture that I took the first morning she was gone. The trees were still there. The sun still came up. And life went on!
posted by Kim at 9:03 AM
10 Comments:
YOU MY DEAR are going to be JUST FINE!!!!! AND might I say that you said a bad work I think 5 times in this post, this is good!!!
EMOTUIONS are just getting in order. hahahaha I am proud of you seeing that life is not ending, CHANGING yes but dosn't it always. Good morning and enjoy TODAY. Oh yeah adn the sec. is still a sniveling bitch.
Oh Kim, you're sounding a lot better now. And how cool is it that your son is enlisting also? VERY COOL! :o)
Love the pics by the way.
I second mom's comment on sec.
youre stronger then you give yourself credit for.
I know what you're going through is really hard, I can't imagine. I never know what to say in these situations, but I don't want you to think I'm not here with you by not commenting. So um.. I'm here. :)
Y'all are great. Thank you!!
Your pictures are great. It looks like such a pretty place to live. I wish we would get some rain here. The fires in Fort Worth and Dallas are getting too close to us. We are in the country too and everything is so dry. Hubby has been watering like crazy but the light bill was so high I had to stop him. I can't believe that light bill.
Hang in there kids are great you just have to let them have their space. I'm saying this for myself I am having trouble not trying to fix Tigs son. He is walking into a horrible situation for the sake of his son.
You are doing way better than I did. Way to go. Change ? Yes and always for the better.
Wow, Kim! What a beautiful post! I haven't been blogging at all lately. I've been experiencing my own drama and also enjoying the holidays on the side. I think it's very touching the way you wrote about where she used to run, there is a path. The leaves and all that,, very sweet. Happy New Year to you sweetie!
I've called Peta on you woman! Shooting Bambi! Shame.
;)
You know, I think that "vent" you had in the woods was good for you. You needed it.
My kids aren't old enough to leave home yet, they still have to do what I say, and I know I'll feel the same as you when the time comes that I realize they're gonna do what they want, regardless of what I say.
Try to have a great New Years!
(I"ll still meet you 1/2 between our houses with the Vodka!)
Gran - we have quite a bit of family out there near you and we're watching those fires and praying for all of you!
Linda - no I'm not. I'm going on antidepressants!
Princess - I have missed you and your blog posts!
Idgie - I've never killed a deer. Been hunting for four years and just seem to have the worst luck!
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